Seen these a few times, but it's been in my inbox for a while, read it again today for a chuckle, decided to share. welcome to my world:
Tech Support Commandments
1. Don't EVER interrupt me.
2. Your name, address and phone number. Make sure you know them.
3. Error messages never contain the words yadda, blah, you know, whatever, so on, etcetera, such and such, somethin somethin somethin.
4. When I put you on hold, I ask first. You need to do the same. If you put me on hold without asking, I will assume you've hung up on me and do the same. If you do think to ask, the time limit for putting me on hold is 2 minutes, cumulative. Any longer than this and I will assume you no longer need assistance and hang up on you.
5. The worse your attitude towards me is, the less I am apt to go "above and beyond" to solve your problem.
6. If you piss me off, expect to have password problems for the next month or so.
7. How I am doing today is none of your business. Don't ask, and pray I don't tell you.
8. If you're not at the computer, I ain't talkin' to you.
9. I don't need to hear your life story, what the weather is like, your current/past medical problems, anecdotes about your pets, kid(s), plants, neighbors, cube mates, co-workers, boss, the company, girlfriend/boyfriend, etc…
10. I don't care if you've tried this already and it didn't work. Do it anyway.
11. If you're not going to listen to me or follow my directions, there's no point in my staying On the phone with you. Goodbye.
12. The term "desktop" has been in use since at least the release of Windows 95. If you don't know where yours is, get off my phone.
13. No, we don't get a lot of calls from people with problems. Everybody calls tech support to let us know that everything is working just fine.
14. No. You didn't just talk to me.
15. Your monitor is not your computer. Viewsonic does not make computers.
16. A computer cannot be rebooted in the space of 10 seconds. Turn your monitor back on and reboot the computer like I told you to. (See #15)
17. If you send me an email complaining that your email is not working. Don't expect a response.
18. If I answer the phone and you ignore my attempts to find out who you are and proceed to talk over me and ask your questions, reference #1 on your way to #11.
19. If you complain about the hold times, I will hang up and you can sit in queue some more.
20. Don't ask me what I do when I'm waiting for you to reboot your computer or install some software. You don't want to know.
21. Your computer better be turned on when I answer the phone. If not, you will have plenty of time after I hang up on you to turn it on for the next person that answers the phone.
22. I take 30-60 calls per day depending on the difficulty of the call. I don't remember who you are or what I helped you with last week. Trust me. You don't want to be a caller I remember.
23. Don't tell me off color jokes to pass the time while we wait for your computer when you know nothing about me and what may or may not offend me.
24. I don't care if you have an MCSE. I have a roll of toilet paper and we both know which is more useful. You called me for help, genius. Pay attention in class next time.
25. If I ask you what version of Windows you have, "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. Your computer tells you everytime you turn it on, which suggests to me you never turn it off. Rebooting it will most likely solve your problem. goodbye.
26. No, the internet is not down.
27. If you put me on hold or put down the receiver to answer your cellphone, I will give you long enough to answer the phone and say "I'll call you back later, I'm on the phone with the helpdesk" before I hang up.
28. When I say "BH speaking" you will not say "Hello BH Speaking". Doing so, will result in a roll of my eyes, followed by a click with a dialtone.
29. I don't care about your screaming kids, don't you DARE put me on hold to feed them. We are open for specified hours, plan ahead and call us back
30. If your kids are hungry, please feed them. Ignoring them, shows me you are an ignorant and dysfunctional parent and thus should not be talking to me.
31. DO NOT LIE. Lying will ultimately result in me proving your sorry ass wrong
32. Asking me my last name, will result in a denial. Saying that you have the right, cause I know yours, will also result in a click of the phone.
33. I don't care if you have to email someone a huge file. Email is not designed for file transfer. You want to send files? Setup an FTP, asking me how to do so, will result in a fee to be determined.
34. Telling me your PC is top of the line and can not be broken, will result in proving you wrong and laughing as I hang up.
35. I don't care if your "PC friend" said our internet sucks. If it does, DON'T USE IT.
36. DO NOT EVER under ANY circumstances delete files on a computer at a store
37. ESPECIALLY if that computer is RUNNING THE STORE
38. NEVER tell me "That's not what the guy did the last time!" If that had fixed it, you wouldn't be calling back.
39. Dont call in from Montana when your computer is in Mississippi and expect me to be able to troubleshoot ANYTHING other than getting your head outta your arse.
40. If I tell you what's wrong with your connection, don't argue with me. You will always lose.
41. If I tell you that you need to take your computer in for repairs, I will be able to tell if you did it or not the next time you call.
